doorknobs and bedtimes

should be out of whack sleepwise, just out of whack stuffnbusiness-wise. i mean, a mess. but everyone is well and safe, though not soundly asleep in bed. even though it's 9pm. worked a night on monday. it's wednesday. worked a day today. wacky. but benadryl helped. and this beautiful weather makes everything okay. sonya's--i mean our---garden is coming up beautifully. the trees are budding. we've weeded, composted, turned the raised beds...boys sowed radishes and sugar snap peas and planted some beet starts. it's a token veggie garden this year. we have enough to do without major food cultivation. door knobs are falling off and there's a hole in the kitchen floor. but next year...next year man.
owen's bedtime has moved to 8ish. tonight apparently 9ish. i was late home from work...late admission, hate to leave things undone there. it's the one place i have order, plus i don't want people dishin' behind my back that i leave a bunch of crap i should have finished. plus the guilt. where does patient care fit in, you wonder? well, it's there. it's just not why i stayed late tonight. good delivery of a baby with a brain anomaly today. awesome family, orienting a new coworker. she's not brand new to W&I nursing, so that helps.
went to a meeting last night for eli's new school--cgm charter. it's going to be good if a little ragtag. which we like. new teachers to be hired for his classroom, though, both. bummer there, but the reading specialist we really like is still going to be there. and the upper division room seems awesome. i need to freshen up my Montessori lingo. he'll love it...worried it won't be structured enough, but pat says it will.
working tomorrow then off to monett for easter. hoping to get called off tomorrow so i can organize, clean and pack...with the windows open while the boys play in the yard with lara...occasionally bringing garden finds in for me to see and smell. love them in the yard. in the house. in the bed. awake or asleep. all is quiet now except for pat's breathing...asleep on the couch.

because elements are mostly made of elephant

scrambly. 24 hrs of work in 48. like thinking. tired, too. chicken/egg. alligator. work love. and work some more. blood bank improvement meeting today. 2 sets of twins, one of triplets. l&d, meeting, triage, l&D. break it down. build it up. simplest not most accurate, but tried to explain it could be. bj is a big old system. big old the man, really. it's like our country: distribution of power and knowledge is so specialized that it's really hard to devise improvement. motivation needs to come from inside each person...to learn and to do things the right ways. there is no fail-safe. no human-safe (foolproof) activity. because we are human. hooman. carbon nitrogen hydrogen and oxygen. mostly. elephants, too.

pb

peanut butter. and lead.
come on come on and meet the elements. wish i didn't know pb. damned lead in the paint.
anxiety. damned anxiety.

I LOVE WORDS. I love speaking them. I love typing them. I love rereading the words I type. I love to write. I love it.

full-time returns

All these thoughts, no time to write. Time to write, none of these thoughts. Ah me.
Crazy day at work today. Liters of blood pouring out of my patient. She is fine now. The baby is tiny, but as well as is possible.
Owen up a lot at night, funny lately. Open-mouth tired eyes fuzzy head superman jams off-the-shoulder kiss through the gate goodbye yesterday morning en route to work. Eli is struggling with the move, with his brother's cuteness, with being 4.5. He's brilliant but soft. I need to let his softness be...encourage it. This is hard for me; I'm not sure why.
Envelope system for personal money in action for March for first time. Interesting so far.
First 3-day work week in more than a year. Okay, really. Even though it was like a beehive that had been batted at a little.
Tired parents we are. Blessed people we are. JM said she's better when she's a little tired. Maybe I am too. Edges fuzzier like that.
Fuzz. Snuggle buddy noggin. Morning here we come. Goodnight.

4150

It's a new beginning, really. And a continuation of old fun, stress, love, mess...marriage and personhood. It's our life in our new home. Which isn't all that different, so far, from our life in the other home. But there is more space. And more to work on and worry about. And somehow, less communication with my hus. Or maybe it's the same amount, but I thought it would be more. There is distance. I don't think it's really related to the extra square footage of the home. Winter isn't helping. It seems I rarely am either.
The boys seem okay. There just still seems to be some waiting. And some fog, probably related to the aforementioned old habit(s). Which is not illegal or anything, just not lovely. It is apathy-inspiring. And person-fogging. Working on working it out of my life. Because WHAT AM I WAITING FOR? This is it. Wake up, you, Jessica! Breathe more deeply. And love better. Be stronger, but softer.

mission

This place, Saint Louis...not the place I thought I'd land. I'm here though. We're here. And we have a wonderful life here. And the promise of more good work...so much more. Pat's on the verge of a metamorphosis, work-wise. Eli just wants his blue blanket washed for tomorrow. And I am thinking that as long as we can show him, lean him toward the good stuff....THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF...not very subtle. But he can know it. What's good. The other night he asked Pat, "Daddy, when is my skin going to turn brown?" I love him!!! I'm so grateful for him...his mind. His heart. He's such a good person. And Pat. He has Pat. So does Owen. Owen is less known now. He's younger. Will it always feel that way, that we know him less well? If so,is it because we just haven't known him for as long, or is he more of a secret? Right now I'm tending toward thinking we are our complete family. Hard to imagine a 3rd child...a 5th person. I just don't know if we have it in us...and I know we have more than enough to be a great family just how we are. This awesome family I worked with today at Barnes was a perfect match. Strange...when they have something serious going on, I appreciate them more. The pt.'s brother was shot last night at 3am walking home on N. Grand. His mom was with my patient...the pt. is 17. So grateful to have had them there. I chose their night nurse. I hope it was a good fit. Patience. THE key to L&D. Need to work on it. If we stay, I'm considering working toward the well-women's birthing center. Maybe my mission? Not my frame of reference exactly (as in my conversation with Mary W.) Brian, Mary, Pat...work as framework for life. Pat, not exactly...he is humanist. Work is not paradigm exactly, but is extension of his worldview. Me...not so much. But it could be. Clinic.
Separately, the whole battery-op car for boys as gift from Cali...a mess. But honest on our part. We are trying to give our boys a good worldview. Trying to give them a reality based on who they are, not what they have. Tricky. And then the tv shows. Geez. We don't allow much tv, but we are allowing crap. Need to strive to allow the good stuff to permeate, while we still have a say in things.