When you grow up...

Eli, you want to be a mathematician, you told me tonight. Owen, you want to be a super secret spy. You both are the apples of my eye. What an odd saying...wonder where it came from. I love you both dearly, that's what I mean by it, and you are the most special people in my life. You are.

All Hallow's Optimus Prime and Iron Hide

You really wanted those costumes though I regret not making costumes this year. More I regret sharply correcting you, Eli, when you wrote in permanent marker on the stone on the porch. You were so innocent. And I really hurt your feelings. I am a hammer often when a gentle thumb-push or even just a directional wind would do the trick. Your energy was low already. I made you cry. Then I realizeD my error, and we snuggled. Because you forgive me. I know you won't always. I am truly sorry, and I will continue to try to be better to you and for you.

Your 7th Halloween, Owen's 4th. So quickly it goes. Everyone says this! But when you are young time feels slow - each second being a smaller fraction of your life as you age so those early ones feel big. And there are the most deeply precious loves that can make life feel like it is in fast forward and can once in a while make time stand still. Tonight I watched you two march down the sidewalk with the mission of filling your candy buckets. A mental picture of you both chewing on candy and marching in your polyester muscle suits with determination in your eyes will always be my treasure.

There are so many things I want to do with you. Why is it so hard for me to focus. At this moment it feels possible that it is at least partly because focusing well and suddenly might be painful...knowing that I am missing so many moments of your huge, beautiful lives. I am at once utterly grateful for this family and deeply saddened that it is briefly finite. Will our love for each other live forever? Will it last our lifetimes. Of course my love for you will live as long as I do, but will I push you so far away with my own feelings that the growth of your own is stunted? Please God help me help you flourish.

Owen tonight at bed time

"Mommy, how does the earth break apart? How do we die?...I want to be a police. But then you will only have 1 boy. (Tears well up.)"
"Honey, what do you mean that I will only have one boy?"
"If I'm a police, you'll only have one boy."
"Do you mean Eli?"
Nods yes, bigger tears.
"No matter who you are, where you go, what you do or become, you will be my boy. Okay?"
Fingers in mouth, nods yes.
"I will love you forever."
Nods yes. Turns over on pillow, softly, toward window.

You transform me.
I want to let you both transform me. Every day.
I am best when I let you transform me. You thrive.

a note to my 5 and three quarters year old boy

My sweet, loving, expressive & brilliant boy, EFG:
You are an amazing person. You love; you try so hard to comply...you want to do right; and you do. You try not to be smooshed by my feelings, yet it's so hard because I let you know all too often how I feel...negative feelings. I tell you I love you. And I do. So much. Yet I can't let myself see the best of you. I see so many aspects of you that trouble me about ME. Which is totally unfair. You are exploring your world...it's so huge, and it's so varied and chaotic. You want to play video games. A lot. You would all the time if we let you. I think. Maybe we should try an experiment. Maybe I should say yes whenever you invite me to do anything. You ask me for date night. And we've had 2, maybe 3. Why am I not taking EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY to be with you, play with you, explore the world with your brilliant mind? Today you said, "I don't want a job. I want to work and learn, but I don't want a job." Me neither. And me, too!!!! I love you endlessly, but I get in the way of loving you right, you for just who you are. I know it's not the right thing to remove my feelings from the equation, but they shouldn't always supersede yours. I want so much for you to be a happy, thriving person. I want to be that, too. And I am sorry that I am not better, not stronger, not more resilient. I will try to be that. I will use my heart with you every time we interact. I will try to do this anyway. I will try not to let me weak desires interrupt your thoughts and keep you from your growth. You are an infinitely large star. I cherish you. I will actively cherish you every moment that I can. This is the most important work of my life. You are the most important person in my life. You and your brother. And your dad. I need to make you the highest priority. I will work on it now. I will listen to you calling me and even if I am in the bathroom, I will hear your voice as beautiful. I will try not to be overwhelmed by things that don't matter, or by the noise, which does matter. Your noise is a birdsong. I hear you calling me. I will respond.
Love,
Mom

love ∞
star & tree
bird & beast

water

friday love

today is friday. a really good friday despite winter's persistence. the boys are beautiful. owen sick with the runs. hit world's fair for a sprinkle donut en route to the library (ies). tried 3 before we got in, and then had fines and no cash so we just read there before coming home for naps. looked in the emotional mirror last night...bleak. i have so much work to do. thankfully my boys and husband are the truest reasons for improvement i've known. beautiful people. they deserve a mom who is positive and balanced. eli needs me to change, especially, from the intensely corrective mom i've become into a supporter and reinforcer. i put him in the pressure cooker every day and turn it up every time he makes a move. and he's a soft one. permeable. tender.
we watched an old time cartoon of gulliver's travels tonight. clearly a product of quirky socal in the 50s or 60s. sure beats ben 10 and rainbow bright.
loving the low key moments of this day. encouraging the freedom of these small people is among my life's greatest goals...someday achievements.
praying for humility and confidence, love and gentleness, health for my loved ones.
this month's best work so far: gramsie's pedicure and her flower pots.

the boys these days

Oh they are so wonderful. we went sledding this weekend at the reservoir. they lasted about 13 minutes, but it was totally worth it. they loved it. we are making cookies and snow forts, valentines and teepees. we are not spending enough time together, though. kindergarten is a commitment. i would tell my mother-in-law (but it would only make her feel sad) that she was right: we should have waited. he's fine...thriving even. but we're missing out on all of this time with him. it certainly remains to be seen whether it will suit him in the long run, to have been one of the youngest in his class. but it does not suit me. i miss him. tonight we had time, when i got home from my 12-hour shift to read half a comic book, for him to tell me his eyes hurt, that 10 is the first number with two digits and that the cookies we made last night are really good. o. was more awake, as he napped today. but he just snuggled down. we play this game where i kiss his chin, then he tells me where else on his face and forehead to kiss by pointing. they both still say, when one of us exits for the goodnight, "hugs and kisses for the road! tell dad and tell lara and tell mommy." lara is an amazing guide and friend to our children. today she wrote:
"Tuesday Jan. 25, 2011
A nice day with O. Many pretend car-rides and train-rides to Monett to see Gram and Pa. Many games of being rescued by O., the policeman/firefighter/doctor extraordinaire. A little drawing, painting, and reading. One episode of Diego (I caved.) Some play time outside in the snow - we added to the snow fortress. After about fifteen minutes, Owen said, 'Lara, I'm freezing out here.' He ate a good lunch - ham, cheese, broccoli, and toast with lemon curd, and milk. Asleep by 12:30."
O. pooped on the potty at home for the first time yesterday. We celebrated with 5 jellybeans and a sticker of Swiper from Dora on the new potty chart. He was and is extremely proud of himself. It's funny the things parenting inspires: pride in pooping on the toilet almost brought tears to my eyes yesterday. A victory is a victory.
I adore these boys. I push the older one too hard. I need to soften. Praying to God "your will your will your will" & "thank you for love thank you thank you thank you." I think it's helping.