a note to my 5 and three quarters year old boy

My sweet, loving, expressive & brilliant boy, EFG:
You are an amazing person. You love; you try so hard to comply...you want to do right; and you do. You try not to be smooshed by my feelings, yet it's so hard because I let you know all too often how I feel...negative feelings. I tell you I love you. And I do. So much. Yet I can't let myself see the best of you. I see so many aspects of you that trouble me about ME. Which is totally unfair. You are exploring your world...it's so huge, and it's so varied and chaotic. You want to play video games. A lot. You would all the time if we let you. I think. Maybe we should try an experiment. Maybe I should say yes whenever you invite me to do anything. You ask me for date night. And we've had 2, maybe 3. Why am I not taking EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY to be with you, play with you, explore the world with your brilliant mind? Today you said, "I don't want a job. I want to work and learn, but I don't want a job." Me neither. And me, too!!!! I love you endlessly, but I get in the way of loving you right, you for just who you are. I know it's not the right thing to remove my feelings from the equation, but they shouldn't always supersede yours. I want so much for you to be a happy, thriving person. I want to be that, too. And I am sorry that I am not better, not stronger, not more resilient. I will try to be that. I will use my heart with you every time we interact. I will try to do this anyway. I will try not to let me weak desires interrupt your thoughts and keep you from your growth. You are an infinitely large star. I cherish you. I will actively cherish you every moment that I can. This is the most important work of my life. You are the most important person in my life. You and your brother. And your dad. I need to make you the highest priority. I will work on it now. I will listen to you calling me and even if I am in the bathroom, I will hear your voice as beautiful. I will try not to be overwhelmed by things that don't matter, or by the noise, which does matter. Your noise is a birdsong. I hear you calling me. I will respond.
Love,
Mom