You really wanted those costumes though I regret not making costumes this year. More I regret sharply correcting you, Eli, when you wrote in permanent marker on the stone on the porch. You were so innocent. And I really hurt your feelings. I am a hammer often when a gentle thumb-push or even just a directional wind would do the trick. Your energy was low already. I made you cry. Then I realizeD my error, and we snuggled. Because you forgive me. I know you won't always. I am truly sorry, and I will continue to try to be better to you and for you.
Your 7th Halloween, Owen's 4th. So quickly it goes. Everyone says this! But when you are young time feels slow - each second being a smaller fraction of your life as you age so those early ones feel big. And there are the most deeply precious loves that can make life feel like it is in fast forward and can once in a while make time stand still. Tonight I watched you two march down the sidewalk with the mission of filling your candy buckets. A mental picture of you both chewing on candy and marching in your polyester muscle suits with determination in your eyes will always be my treasure.
There are so many things I want to do with you. Why is it so hard for me to focus. At this moment it feels possible that it is at least partly because focusing well and suddenly might be painful...knowing that I am missing so many moments of your huge, beautiful lives. I am at once utterly grateful for this family and deeply saddened that it is briefly finite. Will our love for each other live forever? Will it last our lifetimes. Of course my love for you will live as long as I do, but will I push you so far away with my own feelings that the growth of your own is stunted? Please God help me help you flourish.
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