4150

It's a new beginning, really. And a continuation of old fun, stress, love, mess...marriage and personhood. It's our life in our new home. Which isn't all that different, so far, from our life in the other home. But there is more space. And more to work on and worry about. And somehow, less communication with my hus. Or maybe it's the same amount, but I thought it would be more. There is distance. I don't think it's really related to the extra square footage of the home. Winter isn't helping. It seems I rarely am either.
The boys seem okay. There just still seems to be some waiting. And some fog, probably related to the aforementioned old habit(s). Which is not illegal or anything, just not lovely. It is apathy-inspiring. And person-fogging. Working on working it out of my life. Because WHAT AM I WAITING FOR? This is it. Wake up, you, Jessica! Breathe more deeply. And love better. Be stronger, but softer.

mission

This place, Saint Louis...not the place I thought I'd land. I'm here though. We're here. And we have a wonderful life here. And the promise of more good work...so much more. Pat's on the verge of a metamorphosis, work-wise. Eli just wants his blue blanket washed for tomorrow. And I am thinking that as long as we can show him, lean him toward the good stuff....THIS IS THE GOOD STUFF...not very subtle. But he can know it. What's good. The other night he asked Pat, "Daddy, when is my skin going to turn brown?" I love him!!! I'm so grateful for him...his mind. His heart. He's such a good person. And Pat. He has Pat. So does Owen. Owen is less known now. He's younger. Will it always feel that way, that we know him less well? If so,is it because we just haven't known him for as long, or is he more of a secret? Right now I'm tending toward thinking we are our complete family. Hard to imagine a 3rd child...a 5th person. I just don't know if we have it in us...and I know we have more than enough to be a great family just how we are. This awesome family I worked with today at Barnes was a perfect match. Strange...when they have something serious going on, I appreciate them more. The pt.'s brother was shot last night at 3am walking home on N. Grand. His mom was with my patient...the pt. is 17. So grateful to have had them there. I chose their night nurse. I hope it was a good fit. Patience. THE key to L&D. Need to work on it. If we stay, I'm considering working toward the well-women's birthing center. Maybe my mission? Not my frame of reference exactly (as in my conversation with Mary W.) Brian, Mary, Pat...work as framework for life. Pat, not exactly...he is humanist. Work is not paradigm exactly, but is extension of his worldview. Me...not so much. But it could be. Clinic.
Separately, the whole battery-op car for boys as gift from Cali...a mess. But honest on our part. We are trying to give our boys a good worldview. Trying to give them a reality based on who they are, not what they have. Tricky. And then the tv shows. Geez. We don't allow much tv, but we are allowing crap. Need to strive to allow the good stuff to permeate, while we still have a say in things.

Old habits,

they sneak up on me.

This is a time of transition. Of packing up. Of putting on a prettier face. Of being a little more efficient. It shouldn't, but it somehow makes me a little less present, especially with the boys. I'm more grown up now, compared to the old days of moving from place to place. But water is seeping into the cracks of me. And now a big freeze like those of the old winters is upon me. The cracks are expanding, for better and worse. I'm just hoping that when the thaw comes the cracks settle in the right ways and make room for growing things in others...a little moss here, some ivy there. Probably a little mold. Yesterday's damn spores are just waiting for the chance to germinate. Or whatever they do. Thankfully in the major cleanup the bleach is plentiful. And the spackle. Spackle spackle everywhere.

The e. had a hard put-down tonight. Just couldn't let go. And I just couldn't wait to have time to myself. I know it's okay to want this time, but I know I am less of a mom when I am so ready to bolt from bedtime that I can't even give him proper comfort.

I don't really want to bleach it all. I want to make it into something...room for everything to grow.

Whew. It's been a big few days for Eli's brain, our hearts. Struggling with the concept of death related to the people he loves in the wake of learning that the father of one of Pat's students was killed. With a gun. A bullet. To the head.

Right.

He probably didn't need to know the details. Maybe he didn't need to know the story at all. But Pat's reasoning was that he's been making guns of everything...puzzle pieces, sticks, play-doh. I know this is normal. Normal-ish. But we want him to understand the seriousness of gun violence. So we tell him regularly that guns are very dangerous. We don't want him playing like he's shooting people. Okay, to shoot at pretend animals, but not even pretend people.

He seemed to take this as fact, the news about the student's dad. Like he did with Inky. "Hi. My name's Eli. You have a dog. We had a cat named Inky. She died."

http://www.wnyc.org/shows/radiolab/episodes/2009/09/18

Lovely words that aren't my own

Be still, my love. Open up your heart. Let the light shine in. Thanks, Colin Hay.
P.S. I took a yoga class with a different instructor than I normally do; I really like my usual so much. Didn't realize what a great teacher he is for the beginner that I am.

Note to self:

Love does not have an agenda. You too often do, Jess.

Love

my job/ my life. PAC was good to me today. Worked with a logical and decisive MD, a great nurse and an awesome secretary (thank you DC, WL & DJ!) Interesting patients, many preterm, 3 rushed to L&D. 4 for 4 on IV starts and kind of getting the hang of the rhythm over there. Also, Pat brought the boys to work. Pat and the guys are a snuggle for soreheart when they visit, and the order of the work gives me counterbalance to our lovelymessy home life. Overall, very grateful.