Old habits,

they sneak up on me.

This is a time of transition. Of packing up. Of putting on a prettier face. Of being a little more efficient. It shouldn't, but it somehow makes me a little less present, especially with the boys. I'm more grown up now, compared to the old days of moving from place to place. But water is seeping into the cracks of me. And now a big freeze like those of the old winters is upon me. The cracks are expanding, for better and worse. I'm just hoping that when the thaw comes the cracks settle in the right ways and make room for growing things in others...a little moss here, some ivy there. Probably a little mold. Yesterday's damn spores are just waiting for the chance to germinate. Or whatever they do. Thankfully in the major cleanup the bleach is plentiful. And the spackle. Spackle spackle everywhere.

The e. had a hard put-down tonight. Just couldn't let go. And I just couldn't wait to have time to myself. I know it's okay to want this time, but I know I am less of a mom when I am so ready to bolt from bedtime that I can't even give him proper comfort.

I don't really want to bleach it all. I want to make it into something...room for everything to grow.