The warmest, most light-filled day of my week. You are so snuggly and funny. You LOVE to bake...you just want to help. Unless we ask you to, of course. I can't believe you are almost 4. We played boyMonopoly and Candyland. We read books. We baked chocolate chip (garbanzo bean) cookies...we took a couple each to dad and E. at school in plastic baggies. You like your little stuffed animals a lot: bunny and puppy and badger (a puppet I think may actually be a prairie dog or something) and goosey. Simple, practical names. If I pretend to be them (talking for them), I can usually get you to put your coat on or get into your car seat. I just adore you completely. Even when you hit me (you never really try to make it hurt...it's just you expressing...something. You are like me in that your shame quickly becomes defensive anger...that is a genetic predisposition AND a learned behavior I am sure. So I am just doing my best to be gently firm, to love you with every disciplinary action, to look you in the eyes when we speak and bake and play games. You are so shiny and glowy most of the time...you have the most gigantic smile when you are jumping into the pool and kicking your own bottom with your heels as you hit the peak of your arc!
For your 4th, you have told me MANY items that are on your list. With my aging brain, I remember a few:
Electric toothbrush (Spiderman)
Lego sets - especially one with a big ship
More wooden train tracks and another train car that is electric ("remote control" - do these exist?)
I should write them down when you say them. It's hard to remember when I try.
I am so thankful for your you-ness. You and Eli are the lights of my life. You will always be.
Love. So lucky in it, we are.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Thursday, December 1, 2011
When you grow up...
Eli, you want to be a mathematician, you told me tonight. Owen, you want to be a super secret spy. You both are the apples of my eye. What an odd saying...wonder where it came from. I love you both dearly, that's what I mean by it, and you are the most special people in my life. You are.
Monday, October 31, 2011
All Hallow's Optimus Prime and Iron Hide
You really wanted those costumes though I regret not making costumes this year. More I regret sharply correcting you, Eli, when you wrote in permanent marker on the stone on the porch. You were so innocent. And I really hurt your feelings. I am a hammer often when a gentle thumb-push or even just a directional wind would do the trick. Your energy was low already. I made you cry. Then I realizeD my error, and we snuggled. Because you forgive me. I know you won't always. I am truly sorry, and I will continue to try to be better to you and for you.
Your 7th Halloween, Owen's 4th. So quickly it goes. Everyone says this! But when you are young time feels slow - each second being a smaller fraction of your life as you age so those early ones feel big. And there are the most deeply precious loves that can make life feel like it is in fast forward and can once in a while make time stand still. Tonight I watched you two march down the sidewalk with the mission of filling your candy buckets. A mental picture of you both chewing on candy and marching in your polyester muscle suits with determination in your eyes will always be my treasure.
There are so many things I want to do with you. Why is it so hard for me to focus. At this moment it feels possible that it is at least partly because focusing well and suddenly might be painful...knowing that I am missing so many moments of your huge, beautiful lives. I am at once utterly grateful for this family and deeply saddened that it is briefly finite. Will our love for each other live forever? Will it last our lifetimes. Of course my love for you will live as long as I do, but will I push you so far away with my own feelings that the growth of your own is stunted? Please God help me help you flourish.
Your 7th Halloween, Owen's 4th. So quickly it goes. Everyone says this! But when you are young time feels slow - each second being a smaller fraction of your life as you age so those early ones feel big. And there are the most deeply precious loves that can make life feel like it is in fast forward and can once in a while make time stand still. Tonight I watched you two march down the sidewalk with the mission of filling your candy buckets. A mental picture of you both chewing on candy and marching in your polyester muscle suits with determination in your eyes will always be my treasure.
There are so many things I want to do with you. Why is it so hard for me to focus. At this moment it feels possible that it is at least partly because focusing well and suddenly might be painful...knowing that I am missing so many moments of your huge, beautiful lives. I am at once utterly grateful for this family and deeply saddened that it is briefly finite. Will our love for each other live forever? Will it last our lifetimes. Of course my love for you will live as long as I do, but will I push you so far away with my own feelings that the growth of your own is stunted? Please God help me help you flourish.
Monday, June 27, 2011
Owen tonight at bed time
"Mommy, how does the earth break apart? How do we die?...I want to be a police. But then you will only have 1 boy. (Tears well up.)"
"Honey, what do you mean that I will only have one boy?"
"If I'm a police, you'll only have one boy."
"Do you mean Eli?"
Nods yes, bigger tears.
"No matter who you are, where you go, what you do or become, you will be my boy. Okay?"
Fingers in mouth, nods yes.
"I will love you forever."
Nods yes. Turns over on pillow, softly, toward window.
You transform me.
I want to let you both transform me. Every day.
I am best when I let you transform me. You thrive.
"Honey, what do you mean that I will only have one boy?"
"If I'm a police, you'll only have one boy."
"Do you mean Eli?"
Nods yes, bigger tears.
"No matter who you are, where you go, what you do or become, you will be my boy. Okay?"
Fingers in mouth, nods yes.
"I will love you forever."
Nods yes. Turns over on pillow, softly, toward window.
You transform me.
I want to let you both transform me. Every day.
I am best when I let you transform me. You thrive.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
a note to my 5 and three quarters year old boy
My sweet, loving, expressive & brilliant boy, EFG:
You are an amazing person. You love; you try so hard to comply...you want to do right; and you do. You try not to be smooshed by my feelings, yet it's so hard because I let you know all too often how I feel...negative feelings. I tell you I love you. And I do. So much. Yet I can't let myself see the best of you. I see so many aspects of you that trouble me about ME. Which is totally unfair. You are exploring your world...it's so huge, and it's so varied and chaotic. You want to play video games. A lot. You would all the time if we let you. I think. Maybe we should try an experiment. Maybe I should say yes whenever you invite me to do anything. You ask me for date night. And we've had 2, maybe 3. Why am I not taking EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY to be with you, play with you, explore the world with your brilliant mind? Today you said, "I don't want a job. I want to work and learn, but I don't want a job." Me neither. And me, too!!!! I love you endlessly, but I get in the way of loving you right, you for just who you are. I know it's not the right thing to remove my feelings from the equation, but they shouldn't always supersede yours. I want so much for you to be a happy, thriving person. I want to be that, too. And I am sorry that I am not better, not stronger, not more resilient. I will try to be that. I will use my heart with you every time we interact. I will try to do this anyway. I will try not to let me weak desires interrupt your thoughts and keep you from your growth. You are an infinitely large star. I cherish you. I will actively cherish you every moment that I can. This is the most important work of my life. You are the most important person in my life. You and your brother. And your dad. I need to make you the highest priority. I will work on it now. I will listen to you calling me and even if I am in the bathroom, I will hear your voice as beautiful. I will try not to be overwhelmed by things that don't matter, or by the noise, which does matter. Your noise is a birdsong. I hear you calling me. I will respond.
Love,
Mom
You are an amazing person. You love; you try so hard to comply...you want to do right; and you do. You try not to be smooshed by my feelings, yet it's so hard because I let you know all too often how I feel...negative feelings. I tell you I love you. And I do. So much. Yet I can't let myself see the best of you. I see so many aspects of you that trouble me about ME. Which is totally unfair. You are exploring your world...it's so huge, and it's so varied and chaotic. You want to play video games. A lot. You would all the time if we let you. I think. Maybe we should try an experiment. Maybe I should say yes whenever you invite me to do anything. You ask me for date night. And we've had 2, maybe 3. Why am I not taking EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY to be with you, play with you, explore the world with your brilliant mind? Today you said, "I don't want a job. I want to work and learn, but I don't want a job." Me neither. And me, too!!!! I love you endlessly, but I get in the way of loving you right, you for just who you are. I know it's not the right thing to remove my feelings from the equation, but they shouldn't always supersede yours. I want so much for you to be a happy, thriving person. I want to be that, too. And I am sorry that I am not better, not stronger, not more resilient. I will try to be that. I will use my heart with you every time we interact. I will try to do this anyway. I will try not to let me weak desires interrupt your thoughts and keep you from your growth. You are an infinitely large star. I cherish you. I will actively cherish you every moment that I can. This is the most important work of my life. You are the most important person in my life. You and your brother. And your dad. I need to make you the highest priority. I will work on it now. I will listen to you calling me and even if I am in the bathroom, I will hear your voice as beautiful. I will try not to be overwhelmed by things that don't matter, or by the noise, which does matter. Your noise is a birdsong. I hear you calling me. I will respond.
Love,
Mom
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