Owen tonight at bed time

"Mommy, how does the earth break apart? How do we die?...I want to be a police. But then you will only have 1 boy. (Tears well up.)"
"Honey, what do you mean that I will only have one boy?"
"If I'm a police, you'll only have one boy."
"Do you mean Eli?"
Nods yes, bigger tears.
"No matter who you are, where you go, what you do or become, you will be my boy. Okay?"
Fingers in mouth, nods yes.
"I will love you forever."
Nods yes. Turns over on pillow, softly, toward window.

You transform me.
I want to let you both transform me. Every day.
I am best when I let you transform me. You thrive.

a note to my 5 and three quarters year old boy

My sweet, loving, expressive & brilliant boy, EFG:
You are an amazing person. You love; you try so hard to comply...you want to do right; and you do. You try not to be smooshed by my feelings, yet it's so hard because I let you know all too often how I feel...negative feelings. I tell you I love you. And I do. So much. Yet I can't let myself see the best of you. I see so many aspects of you that trouble me about ME. Which is totally unfair. You are exploring your world...it's so huge, and it's so varied and chaotic. You want to play video games. A lot. You would all the time if we let you. I think. Maybe we should try an experiment. Maybe I should say yes whenever you invite me to do anything. You ask me for date night. And we've had 2, maybe 3. Why am I not taking EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY to be with you, play with you, explore the world with your brilliant mind? Today you said, "I don't want a job. I want to work and learn, but I don't want a job." Me neither. And me, too!!!! I love you endlessly, but I get in the way of loving you right, you for just who you are. I know it's not the right thing to remove my feelings from the equation, but they shouldn't always supersede yours. I want so much for you to be a happy, thriving person. I want to be that, too. And I am sorry that I am not better, not stronger, not more resilient. I will try to be that. I will use my heart with you every time we interact. I will try to do this anyway. I will try not to let me weak desires interrupt your thoughts and keep you from your growth. You are an infinitely large star. I cherish you. I will actively cherish you every moment that I can. This is the most important work of my life. You are the most important person in my life. You and your brother. And your dad. I need to make you the highest priority. I will work on it now. I will listen to you calling me and even if I am in the bathroom, I will hear your voice as beautiful. I will try not to be overwhelmed by things that don't matter, or by the noise, which does matter. Your noise is a birdsong. I hear you calling me. I will respond.
Love,
Mom

love ∞
star & tree
bird & beast

water

friday love

today is friday. a really good friday despite winter's persistence. the boys are beautiful. owen sick with the runs. hit world's fair for a sprinkle donut en route to the library (ies). tried 3 before we got in, and then had fines and no cash so we just read there before coming home for naps. looked in the emotional mirror last night...bleak. i have so much work to do. thankfully my boys and husband are the truest reasons for improvement i've known. beautiful people. they deserve a mom who is positive and balanced. eli needs me to change, especially, from the intensely corrective mom i've become into a supporter and reinforcer. i put him in the pressure cooker every day and turn it up every time he makes a move. and he's a soft one. permeable. tender.
we watched an old time cartoon of gulliver's travels tonight. clearly a product of quirky socal in the 50s or 60s. sure beats ben 10 and rainbow bright.
loving the low key moments of this day. encouraging the freedom of these small people is among my life's greatest goals...someday achievements.
praying for humility and confidence, love and gentleness, health for my loved ones.
this month's best work so far: gramsie's pedicure and her flower pots.

the boys these days

Oh they are so wonderful. we went sledding this weekend at the reservoir. they lasted about 13 minutes, but it was totally worth it. they loved it. we are making cookies and snow forts, valentines and teepees. we are not spending enough time together, though. kindergarten is a commitment. i would tell my mother-in-law (but it would only make her feel sad) that she was right: we should have waited. he's fine...thriving even. but we're missing out on all of this time with him. it certainly remains to be seen whether it will suit him in the long run, to have been one of the youngest in his class. but it does not suit me. i miss him. tonight we had time, when i got home from my 12-hour shift to read half a comic book, for him to tell me his eyes hurt, that 10 is the first number with two digits and that the cookies we made last night are really good. o. was more awake, as he napped today. but he just snuggled down. we play this game where i kiss his chin, then he tells me where else on his face and forehead to kiss by pointing. they both still say, when one of us exits for the goodnight, "hugs and kisses for the road! tell dad and tell lara and tell mommy." lara is an amazing guide and friend to our children. today she wrote:
"Tuesday Jan. 25, 2011
A nice day with O. Many pretend car-rides and train-rides to Monett to see Gram and Pa. Many games of being rescued by O., the policeman/firefighter/doctor extraordinaire. A little drawing, painting, and reading. One episode of Diego (I caved.) Some play time outside in the snow - we added to the snow fortress. After about fifteen minutes, Owen said, 'Lara, I'm freezing out here.' He ate a good lunch - ham, cheese, broccoli, and toast with lemon curd, and milk. Asleep by 12:30."
O. pooped on the potty at home for the first time yesterday. We celebrated with 5 jellybeans and a sticker of Swiper from Dora on the new potty chart. He was and is extremely proud of himself. It's funny the things parenting inspires: pride in pooping on the toilet almost brought tears to my eyes yesterday. A victory is a victory.
I adore these boys. I push the older one too hard. I need to soften. Praying to God "your will your will your will" & "thank you for love thank you thank you thank you." I think it's helping.

I love em.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6TP1eJ-mXs

Healthy and well in 2010

So. Lonely. Which is ridiculous. I know it. But I've got to say everyone I talk to these days is either on the other end of the phone or texting or facebooking. Except my kids. But my kids are growing up in a home where we are always doing something that is not focus on them. I know they cannot expect constant attention from us. And this wouldn't be good for them, anyway. But the new rule of no computering while with kids...necessary. This starts now, unless we are all doing something a la computer together. Helloooo? Am I talking to anyone. Why am I writing this? Anyway, as in the old place, we need to move the computer out of the centralized locale in the house. This really did help last time. And I need to be more present with them. For long stretches. The ADD is worsening. There are distractions everywhere. And I don't know where anything is. I am tempted to get rid of all of the adult superfluous. This is a rather large and ginormous and huge category that encompasses most of what's in this house. Paring WAAAAaaaY the F-ingham down. That and less movies and booze are my 2011 resolutions. I know it's a little early to be thinking about all of this. But it gives me something to gorge on for the remainder of the month. Healthy.