PB!

Moster Mash Dash 5k 27:09, pace 8:45, 7th woman to cross the finish line, and 21st person to cross it of 173!

from a note to a friend and fellow mom

what's your (art)work like these days? it seems like motherhood suits you well. i haven't heard anything from you about the transition to being parents that is remotely negative. that's awesome and wonderful. it was not an easy transition for me. the boys, of course, are my favorite part of my life, but the mother i am requires constant work and revision. not a natural mama at all. it's sort of like the mother in me was espaliered (this is a method of attaching a branch from one tree onto the trunk of another...usually the same species, just different varieties) onto me. but it's taken solid hold of my trunk and is getting down into my roots now. do you feel like the mother in you was always there and just awoke from a long sleep when oona arrived? balance. do you feel more or less balance?

so grown so fast

The boys are starting school Monday. Owen is starting preschool. Eli will start his first year of pre-elementary(k). We think he'll do 2 years of it. Last night he was crying, saying "I don't want to do 5 days a week of school. I want to be with you guys." Breaks my heart a little...makes me reconsider a little, too. But I don't think we can do it any other way. It's going to be a tough bundle of transitions. And Pat's returning to school next week. To be continued...

A prayer of Jabez(sica)

Lord let me be more gentle tomorrow. Still firm. But more respectfully gentle. Also, will you please keep M safe tomorrow and help her have peace, please? Thank you for the plums and paints and pottery and Pat. And for the boys and their spirits. And for the way they move and are still (so rarely, but still). And thank you for the desire to run 5k today. And to make yummy dinner and for the parts to add to it and for the chickens. And could you please help dad find his way back from the far right? Or at least to find his way to you...to love? And help me keep wanting to be better and closer to you. And to want to write. And to keep after your means for me. And to not fall too far or too hard. And to keep the boys safe? And Pat, too? Please? Thank you for my bed, for the work, for the ability to appreciate the sun and the water and the music!!!! My life is so good. Thank you. Please keep my heart full of your love. You're awesome. (Double chest thump, peace sign at you). (And a big bear hug.)

from Thursday July 1

Being the lone disciplinarian...this is the toughest part of being home alone with the boys all day. Not because they are bad. They are not. They are beautiful. Incredible. Curious. Strong. Starbright. It's the best part of my entire life, getting to be their mama. But having to be the lone line-drawer...this I don't often handle well. It actually snuffs bits of my own light. But I think this is because I am usually doing it wrong. I am occasionally nails. But more often than not, I am kind of awful.
Today, both boys set me a little straighter. During a battle of wills, not yet 2.5-year-old O. said to me, "I don't like you. I don't like you. You don't love me." Then, after asking Pat for help with O., E. and I left on a grocery-store ice cream run. On the way home, I asked booster seated E.(who is nearly 5)what I could do to be a better mama. He licked his push-up and said, "Nothing mom." After a second lick, he said, "Actually, you could be nicer to everybody, mom." I vascillate between being Nurse Ratchett, a wrecking ball and a Meg Ryan character. Sometimes a I'm concentric version of all three. I want to be something like an urban version of Julie Andrews from the Sound of Music. I'm pretty sure my family would prefer the latter. But this is not a pretend life, and while I don't want to confuse the people I love about the love I feel for them, I don't know how to be better except to keep asking God for help.
Today was not without its shining moments: Eli conquering the monkey bars at Carodelet Park, both kids glistening in the 3 o'clock sunsparkle water at TGP. Eli mastering his bike...popping tiny wheelies on day 3 of no training wheels.

2 poems from this day:

the crazy last year

Hawaii for dad is 60
Inky is sick and dies.
Superman cake that weekend.
We sell our house in a week
and close on Christmas Eve.
We live with Jan and Hill.
We almost lose relationship with D. and M. because of a toy gift we refuse.
We buy S.'s house.
We move into it.
I return to full-time work.
We adopt chickens and eat their eggs.
It's not as crazy as I thought.

popcorn for p.

a paper boat of popcorn
it's full and not for me
i'm offering anothers gift
to an empty seat.

We probably need to seek counseling. Or just start seeing/hearing each other better. I think we need help to do the latter, so we need the former.

literally

Making art and saving the world. Makes my heart beat differently to think of someone I know actually living this dream. Living literally is what I do. Now it's as though I feel if it doesn't make practical sense, well, it's not worth anything at all. I act this way. With Pat. With the kids. With the world. Where has my ability to pretend gone? Economics has taken me over. I don't want to be this way in my personal life. I need to get my creative back on. I guess I'd need to make time for this and space. It's funny, now I think of making art, and I can't think of making something that wouldn't be useful. Sewing, cooking, gardening. These are the things that feel worthwhile to me now. But there was a day when I'd scribble just to feel the pen scratch the paper. I miss that. And my kids are missing that, too, as I stamp the freedom out of them with my ideas about when we have to be where and why we do and don't do things. Gotta fix this now.

today is the greatest...

beautiful morning with Owen. spring. yard. hammock. "going to work" with buckets and returning "home" for a giant welcoming hug. hammock with books and duck. cheesy eggs. snuggles galore. so good.