Star Wars 3D

<3 efg - So thrilled you are! You and dad went to see the Phantom Menace at the Moolah on Sunday. Of course you loved it. I hope we are not letting you see it too early...too late to change it I guess. And I kind of love that Owen still wants a puppy theme for his birthday party this weekend. You both are doing so well...so sweet and strong. Love you three boys beyond beyond. <3

Rainy day with Owen

The warmest, most light-filled day of my week. You are so snuggly and funny. You LOVE to bake...you just want to help. Unless we ask you to, of course. I can't believe you are almost 4. We played boyMonopoly and Candyland. We read books. We baked chocolate chip (garbanzo bean) cookies...we took a couple each to dad and E. at school in plastic baggies. You like your little stuffed animals a lot: bunny and puppy and badger (a puppet I think may actually be a prairie dog or something) and goosey. Simple, practical names. If I pretend to be them (talking for them), I can usually get you to put your coat on or get into your car seat. I just adore you completely. Even when you hit me (you never really try to make it hurt...it's just you expressing...something. You are like me in that your shame quickly becomes defensive anger...that is a genetic predisposition AND a learned behavior I am sure. So I am just doing my best to be gently firm, to love you with every disciplinary action, to look you in the eyes when we speak and bake and play games. You are so shiny and glowy most of the time...you have the most gigantic smile when you are jumping into the pool and kicking your own bottom with your heels as you hit the peak of your arc!

For your 4th, you have told me MANY items that are on your list. With my aging brain, I remember a few:
Electric toothbrush (Spiderman)
Lego sets - especially one with a big ship
More wooden train tracks and another train car that is electric ("remote control" - do these exist?)
I should write them down when you say them. It's hard to remember when I try.

I am so thankful for your you-ness. You and Eli are the lights of my life. You will always be.

Love. So lucky in it, we are.

"Eli, do you know what you are?"

"What?"
"Brilliant and kind."
"I think I may be part monkey."

"MAAaahhm!

Come look! I just made the biggest poop in God's world!" - owg 1/2012 -

When you grow up...

Eli, you want to be a mathematician, you told me tonight. Owen, you want to be a super secret spy. You both are the apples of my eye. What an odd saying...wonder where it came from. I love you both dearly, that's what I mean by it, and you are the most special people in my life. You are.

All Hallow's Optimus Prime and Iron Hide

You really wanted those costumes though I regret not making costumes this year. More I regret sharply correcting you, Eli, when you wrote in permanent marker on the stone on the porch. You were so innocent. And I really hurt your feelings. I am a hammer often when a gentle thumb-push or even just a directional wind would do the trick. Your energy was low already. I made you cry. Then I realizeD my error, and we snuggled. Because you forgive me. I know you won't always. I am truly sorry, and I will continue to try to be better to you and for you.

Your 7th Halloween, Owen's 4th. So quickly it goes. Everyone says this! But when you are young time feels slow - each second being a smaller fraction of your life as you age so those early ones feel big. And there are the most deeply precious loves that can make life feel like it is in fast forward and can once in a while make time stand still. Tonight I watched you two march down the sidewalk with the mission of filling your candy buckets. A mental picture of you both chewing on candy and marching in your polyester muscle suits with determination in your eyes will always be my treasure.

There are so many things I want to do with you. Why is it so hard for me to focus. At this moment it feels possible that it is at least partly because focusing well and suddenly might be painful...knowing that I am missing so many moments of your huge, beautiful lives. I am at once utterly grateful for this family and deeply saddened that it is briefly finite. Will our love for each other live forever? Will it last our lifetimes. Of course my love for you will live as long as I do, but will I push you so far away with my own feelings that the growth of your own is stunted? Please God help me help you flourish.

Owen tonight at bed time

"Mommy, how does the earth break apart? How do we die?...I want to be a police. But then you will only have 1 boy. (Tears well up.)"
"Honey, what do you mean that I will only have one boy?"
"If I'm a police, you'll only have one boy."
"Do you mean Eli?"
Nods yes, bigger tears.
"No matter who you are, where you go, what you do or become, you will be my boy. Okay?"
Fingers in mouth, nods yes.
"I will love you forever."
Nods yes. Turns over on pillow, softly, toward window.

You transform me.
I want to let you both transform me. Every day.
I am best when I let you transform me. You thrive.