Thanks, Bebo

I really wish I could type while driving. And while walking on the 'mill. So many of my best thoughts (I think) occur to me while I'm moving through space and/or am in motion. I'm horrible at writing while driving, although I sometimes try. Not so good for the safety, plus I can almost never read what I wrote.

So this is merely a recounting, a few days later. There is probably less clarity now.

On a recent solo roadtrip (incredibly rare these days) I had a moving relationship with a Christian rock musician's very Christian album. I was borrowing my brother- and sister-in-law's car, and flinched when the cd player starting playing this music. But I was off the grid, so the tuner wasn't working well, and it was the only cd I could see. The musician's name is Bebo Norman. The song that first brought me to tears is called, "Britney." It's about Britney Spears and how she's been used and abused. And about how we should all love each other. After getting over how wierd it was that I was crying for Britney Spears, I realized that I have been mostly too insecure to think of the people around me as my brothers and sisters. I'm overly protective of myself and family. I act without love often.

But that is exactly what all these people are, and if I was smart, I'd let Jesus be my primary example for how to live. I mean it. (It's hard for me to write these words because I'm worried I'm going to be perceived as someone who is delusional. And that I'll turn into a Republican.)

But I am a believer. I am. I believe in God. And the devil - but this part is new for me, and is an acknowledgement made while listening to Mr. Norman's music on the drive. I remember thinking in grade school that I believed in God, but not Mr. Satan. And I have held that belief, that God is real and good, and that people make good and bad choices, and that those bad choices are THE cause of what's wrong with the world. I do believe we are in control of our choices and need to hold ourselves accountable for their consequences. But I also believe that there is evil (which makes me sound like "W," who I loathe. I know this is not very Jesus-like of me, but I just do. Working on it.) I was thinking about how old religion is, and how it's people's actions related to their religious beliefs that are the source for a wholelotta enmity and some of the worst of human behavior. And how we hurt each other in both small and carnal ways, we people all over the world. There are so many things beyond our control. The human capacity to love and hate are both so humongous. There are so many things that are beyond our control. People become so desperate, and sometimes hope just isn't an immediate option. But hopelessness shouldn't necessarily cause malice. Fear, sadness, anger, anxiety - sure. But not malice. And malice is real, so the devil must be, too. Right?

To believe in evil is a tiny relief and a hugely terrifying thing. It's a tiny relief because it gives me hope that we people can be saved. I mean, if there's a force for bad that arranges circumstances to encourage bad decisions, we are salvageable. If we're coming up with all that terribility on our own, we don't deserve to be saved. Now, it's a skinny, faded, tortuous line, the one between believing in the power of evil and accepting responsibility for our choices while learning from the mistakes that History wants to teach. For me, it's so easy to let all kinds of things distract me. I let the fog settle in, or the sunshine pour over me, and I can hardly see that line at all.

So right now I'm praying every time I think of it for a hospitable, open heart so I can treat the people around me like the sisters and brothers they are to me. And for some metaphorical tinted, diamond-coated, prescription goggles to protect my eyes from the fog and the sunshine, to help me stay focused on this.