A prayer of Jabez(sica)

Lord let me be more gentle tomorrow. Still firm. But more respectfully gentle. Also, will you please keep M safe tomorrow and help her have peace, please? Thank you for the plums and paints and pottery and Pat. And for the boys and their spirits. And for the way they move and are still (so rarely, but still). And thank you for the desire to run 5k today. And to make yummy dinner and for the parts to add to it and for the chickens. And could you please help dad find his way back from the far right? Or at least to find his way to you...to love? And help me keep wanting to be better and closer to you. And to want to write. And to keep after your means for me. And to not fall too far or too hard. And to keep the boys safe? And Pat, too? Please? Thank you for my bed, for the work, for the ability to appreciate the sun and the water and the music!!!! My life is so good. Thank you. Please keep my heart full of your love. You're awesome. (Double chest thump, peace sign at you). (And a big bear hug.)

from Thursday July 1

Being the lone disciplinarian...this is the toughest part of being home alone with the boys all day. Not because they are bad. They are not. They are beautiful. Incredible. Curious. Strong. Starbright. It's the best part of my entire life, getting to be their mama. But having to be the lone line-drawer...this I don't often handle well. It actually snuffs bits of my own light. But I think this is because I am usually doing it wrong. I am occasionally nails. But more often than not, I am kind of awful.
Today, both boys set me a little straighter. During a battle of wills, not yet 2.5-year-old O. said to me, "I don't like you. I don't like you. You don't love me." Then, after asking Pat for help with O., E. and I left on a grocery-store ice cream run. On the way home, I asked booster seated E.(who is nearly 5)what I could do to be a better mama. He licked his push-up and said, "Nothing mom." After a second lick, he said, "Actually, you could be nicer to everybody, mom." I vascillate between being Nurse Ratchett, a wrecking ball and a Meg Ryan character. Sometimes a I'm concentric version of all three. I want to be something like an urban version of Julie Andrews from the Sound of Music. I'm pretty sure my family would prefer the latter. But this is not a pretend life, and while I don't want to confuse the people I love about the love I feel for them, I don't know how to be better except to keep asking God for help.
Today was not without its shining moments: Eli conquering the monkey bars at Carodelet Park, both kids glistening in the 3 o'clock sunsparkle water at TGP. Eli mastering his bike...popping tiny wheelies on day 3 of no training wheels.

2 poems from this day:

the crazy last year

Hawaii for dad is 60
Inky is sick and dies.
Superman cake that weekend.
We sell our house in a week
and close on Christmas Eve.
We live with Jan and Hill.
We almost lose relationship with D. and M. because of a toy gift we refuse.
We buy S.'s house.
We move into it.
I return to full-time work.
We adopt chickens and eat their eggs.
It's not as crazy as I thought.

popcorn for p.

a paper boat of popcorn
it's full and not for me
i'm offering anothers gift
to an empty seat.

We probably need to seek counseling. Or just start seeing/hearing each other better. I think we need help to do the latter, so we need the former.