I love em.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O6TP1eJ-mXs

Healthy and well in 2010

So. Lonely. Which is ridiculous. I know it. But I've got to say everyone I talk to these days is either on the other end of the phone or texting or facebooking. Except my kids. But my kids are growing up in a home where we are always doing something that is not focus on them. I know they cannot expect constant attention from us. And this wouldn't be good for them, anyway. But the new rule of no computering while with kids...necessary. This starts now, unless we are all doing something a la computer together. Helloooo? Am I talking to anyone. Why am I writing this? Anyway, as in the old place, we need to move the computer out of the centralized locale in the house. This really did help last time. And I need to be more present with them. For long stretches. The ADD is worsening. There are distractions everywhere. And I don't know where anything is. I am tempted to get rid of all of the adult superfluous. This is a rather large and ginormous and huge category that encompasses most of what's in this house. Paring WAAAAaaaY the F-ingham down. That and less movies and booze are my 2011 resolutions. I know it's a little early to be thinking about all of this. But it gives me something to gorge on for the remainder of the month. Healthy.

PB!

Moster Mash Dash 5k 27:09, pace 8:45, 7th woman to cross the finish line, and 21st person to cross it of 173!

from a note to a friend and fellow mom

what's your (art)work like these days? it seems like motherhood suits you well. i haven't heard anything from you about the transition to being parents that is remotely negative. that's awesome and wonderful. it was not an easy transition for me. the boys, of course, are my favorite part of my life, but the mother i am requires constant work and revision. not a natural mama at all. it's sort of like the mother in me was espaliered (this is a method of attaching a branch from one tree onto the trunk of another...usually the same species, just different varieties) onto me. but it's taken solid hold of my trunk and is getting down into my roots now. do you feel like the mother in you was always there and just awoke from a long sleep when oona arrived? balance. do you feel more or less balance?

so grown so fast

The boys are starting school Monday. Owen is starting preschool. Eli will start his first year of pre-elementary(k). We think he'll do 2 years of it. Last night he was crying, saying "I don't want to do 5 days a week of school. I want to be with you guys." Breaks my heart a little...makes me reconsider a little, too. But I don't think we can do it any other way. It's going to be a tough bundle of transitions. And Pat's returning to school next week. To be continued...

A prayer of Jabez(sica)

Lord let me be more gentle tomorrow. Still firm. But more respectfully gentle. Also, will you please keep M safe tomorrow and help her have peace, please? Thank you for the plums and paints and pottery and Pat. And for the boys and their spirits. And for the way they move and are still (so rarely, but still). And thank you for the desire to run 5k today. And to make yummy dinner and for the parts to add to it and for the chickens. And could you please help dad find his way back from the far right? Or at least to find his way to you...to love? And help me keep wanting to be better and closer to you. And to want to write. And to keep after your means for me. And to not fall too far or too hard. And to keep the boys safe? And Pat, too? Please? Thank you for my bed, for the work, for the ability to appreciate the sun and the water and the music!!!! My life is so good. Thank you. Please keep my heart full of your love. You're awesome. (Double chest thump, peace sign at you). (And a big bear hug.)

from Thursday July 1

Being the lone disciplinarian...this is the toughest part of being home alone with the boys all day. Not because they are bad. They are not. They are beautiful. Incredible. Curious. Strong. Starbright. It's the best part of my entire life, getting to be their mama. But having to be the lone line-drawer...this I don't often handle well. It actually snuffs bits of my own light. But I think this is because I am usually doing it wrong. I am occasionally nails. But more often than not, I am kind of awful.
Today, both boys set me a little straighter. During a battle of wills, not yet 2.5-year-old O. said to me, "I don't like you. I don't like you. You don't love me." Then, after asking Pat for help with O., E. and I left on a grocery-store ice cream run. On the way home, I asked booster seated E.(who is nearly 5)what I could do to be a better mama. He licked his push-up and said, "Nothing mom." After a second lick, he said, "Actually, you could be nicer to everybody, mom." I vascillate between being Nurse Ratchett, a wrecking ball and a Meg Ryan character. Sometimes a I'm concentric version of all three. I want to be something like an urban version of Julie Andrews from the Sound of Music. I'm pretty sure my family would prefer the latter. But this is not a pretend life, and while I don't want to confuse the people I love about the love I feel for them, I don't know how to be better except to keep asking God for help.
Today was not without its shining moments: Eli conquering the monkey bars at Carodelet Park, both kids glistening in the 3 o'clock sunsparkle water at TGP. Eli mastering his bike...popping tiny wheelies on day 3 of no training wheels.

2 poems from this day:

the crazy last year

Hawaii for dad is 60
Inky is sick and dies.
Superman cake that weekend.
We sell our house in a week
and close on Christmas Eve.
We live with Jan and Hill.
We almost lose relationship with D. and M. because of a toy gift we refuse.
We buy S.'s house.
We move into it.
I return to full-time work.
We adopt chickens and eat their eggs.
It's not as crazy as I thought.

popcorn for p.

a paper boat of popcorn
it's full and not for me
i'm offering anothers gift
to an empty seat.

We probably need to seek counseling. Or just start seeing/hearing each other better. I think we need help to do the latter, so we need the former.

literally

Making art and saving the world. Makes my heart beat differently to think of someone I know actually living this dream. Living literally is what I do. Now it's as though I feel if it doesn't make practical sense, well, it's not worth anything at all. I act this way. With Pat. With the kids. With the world. Where has my ability to pretend gone? Economics has taken me over. I don't want to be this way in my personal life. I need to get my creative back on. I guess I'd need to make time for this and space. It's funny, now I think of making art, and I can't think of making something that wouldn't be useful. Sewing, cooking, gardening. These are the things that feel worthwhile to me now. But there was a day when I'd scribble just to feel the pen scratch the paper. I miss that. And my kids are missing that, too, as I stamp the freedom out of them with my ideas about when we have to be where and why we do and don't do things. Gotta fix this now.

today is the greatest...

beautiful morning with Owen. spring. yard. hammock. "going to work" with buckets and returning "home" for a giant welcoming hug. hammock with books and duck. cheesy eggs. snuggles galore. so good.

doorknobs and bedtimes

should be out of whack sleepwise, just out of whack stuffnbusiness-wise. i mean, a mess. but everyone is well and safe, though not soundly asleep in bed. even though it's 9pm. worked a night on monday. it's wednesday. worked a day today. wacky. but benadryl helped. and this beautiful weather makes everything okay. sonya's--i mean our---garden is coming up beautifully. the trees are budding. we've weeded, composted, turned the raised beds...boys sowed radishes and sugar snap peas and planted some beet starts. it's a token veggie garden this year. we have enough to do without major food cultivation. door knobs are falling off and there's a hole in the kitchen floor. but next year...next year man.
owen's bedtime has moved to 8ish. tonight apparently 9ish. i was late home from work...late admission, hate to leave things undone there. it's the one place i have order, plus i don't want people dishin' behind my back that i leave a bunch of crap i should have finished. plus the guilt. where does patient care fit in, you wonder? well, it's there. it's just not why i stayed late tonight. good delivery of a baby with a brain anomaly today. awesome family, orienting a new coworker. she's not brand new to W&I nursing, so that helps.
went to a meeting last night for eli's new school--cgm charter. it's going to be good if a little ragtag. which we like. new teachers to be hired for his classroom, though, both. bummer there, but the reading specialist we really like is still going to be there. and the upper division room seems awesome. i need to freshen up my Montessori lingo. he'll love it...worried it won't be structured enough, but pat says it will.
working tomorrow then off to monett for easter. hoping to get called off tomorrow so i can organize, clean and pack...with the windows open while the boys play in the yard with lara...occasionally bringing garden finds in for me to see and smell. love them in the yard. in the house. in the bed. awake or asleep. all is quiet now except for pat's breathing...asleep on the couch.

because elements are mostly made of elephant

scrambly. 24 hrs of work in 48. like thinking. tired, too. chicken/egg. alligator. work love. and work some more. blood bank improvement meeting today. 2 sets of twins, one of triplets. l&d, meeting, triage, l&D. break it down. build it up. simplest not most accurate, but tried to explain it could be. bj is a big old system. big old the man, really. it's like our country: distribution of power and knowledge is so specialized that it's really hard to devise improvement. motivation needs to come from inside each person...to learn and to do things the right ways. there is no fail-safe. no human-safe (foolproof) activity. because we are human. hooman. carbon nitrogen hydrogen and oxygen. mostly. elephants, too.

pb

peanut butter. and lead.
come on come on and meet the elements. wish i didn't know pb. damned lead in the paint.
anxiety. damned anxiety.

I LOVE WORDS. I love speaking them. I love typing them. I love rereading the words I type. I love to write. I love it.

full-time returns

All these thoughts, no time to write. Time to write, none of these thoughts. Ah me.
Crazy day at work today. Liters of blood pouring out of my patient. She is fine now. The baby is tiny, but as well as is possible.
Owen up a lot at night, funny lately. Open-mouth tired eyes fuzzy head superman jams off-the-shoulder kiss through the gate goodbye yesterday morning en route to work. Eli is struggling with the move, with his brother's cuteness, with being 4.5. He's brilliant but soft. I need to let his softness be...encourage it. This is hard for me; I'm not sure why.
Envelope system for personal money in action for March for first time. Interesting so far.
First 3-day work week in more than a year. Okay, really. Even though it was like a beehive that had been batted at a little.
Tired parents we are. Blessed people we are. JM said she's better when she's a little tired. Maybe I am too. Edges fuzzier like that.
Fuzz. Snuggle buddy noggin. Morning here we come. Goodnight.

4150

It's a new beginning, really. And a continuation of old fun, stress, love, mess...marriage and personhood. It's our life in our new home. Which isn't all that different, so far, from our life in the other home. But there is more space. And more to work on and worry about. And somehow, less communication with my hus. Or maybe it's the same amount, but I thought it would be more. There is distance. I don't think it's really related to the extra square footage of the home. Winter isn't helping. It seems I rarely am either.
The boys seem okay. There just still seems to be some waiting. And some fog, probably related to the aforementioned old habit(s). Which is not illegal or anything, just not lovely. It is apathy-inspiring. And person-fogging. Working on working it out of my life. Because WHAT AM I WAITING FOR? This is it. Wake up, you, Jessica! Breathe more deeply. And love better. Be stronger, but softer.